Now More Happier.



I'm not sure why, really, but recently I've felt a mighty angst. Which is severely atypical and actually a rather recent (and sobering) revelation. I don't classify this as teen angst, however, because I'm perfectly happy as far as my home life goes. I like being at home, I like my mom, I like school and I like, really, life in general. So the cause of my angst is not based in authority. Therefore I would not classify it as typical teen angst.

Existentialist angst is based in man's dislike of making choices. Once he realizes his total freedom, when he sees that the Universe holds no sway over him and he can do what he wishes and must bear the consequences, man experiences angst. This is something I've been thinking alot about recently for no particular reason. But I've seen the truth of it. People shy away from making choices, even though they've always got them. Even with a gun against your head, you can choose life or death. But this is not really where my particular angst comes from either. I think the dislike of making choices comes because they make manifest the possibility for failure.

I wrote before this that my life is a sine wave. Essentially, nothing of import has happened to me recently. It has become the equation y = x. I have nothing to be pleased or displeased about. I revile the void. This leaves me with a constant sense of melancholy (tinted with irritation), like a bad taste for the soul.

In a way, I wish something bad would happen so that I could feel bad about and at least be definitely feeling something. I've felt pretty low pretty recently, so I think I have a whole different standard of 'bad' from most people (of my age, at least)...and therefore would simply be dissatisfied by a minor mishap or string thereof.

The purpose of that last paragraph isn't to imply that I'm caught in some kind of masochistic quest for pain, but rather that I would almost (I stress the word almost) prefer it to a nothingness. At least it isn't boring, and there's an odd kind of comfort found in misery.


Blogger Jadewolff said...

If you don't mind me saying, being a senior in high school about to graduate and start college, your ennui seems a bit oddly timed. If anything, you're at one of the major pivotal points in your life.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe your angst stems from the quiet before the storm?

8:06 AM


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