Now More Happier.

3.07.2006

The Dam Cracks

First off: Tennis is going good.

Second off: Life is not. I'm sure I'll be able to ellaborate more on this tomorrow, but right now dozens of things are simply piling up and adding to the general trend of 'Shit on Daniel'. And right now, I want to scream and cry and break things. I want to throw glass against a brick wall and hear it shatter and flinch as shards fly back into my face. I want to break something with my hands and take joy in the destruction then break down in a fit of sobbing. I want to let this repressed, calm sadness out and let the tears of sadness and the savagery of an impersonal anger break through my marble mask. I want to let the reptilian part of my brain take hold and just give up control for a few desperate minutes. I want to let my intelligence flee because the God who willed it to me is such a bastard sometimes.

And I'm pretty sure that someone is going to ask me if I want to talk. But I don't, really. To put words and a nice face on these feelings is to put them on a pedestal they don't deserve. Simply acknowledging them feels like I'm lowering myself, by recognizing the existence of such base instincts in myself. By allowing the lower part of humanity to exist, I fail to transend, to become better than the average person.

But I'm a firm believer in equilibrium. Good shall arise from the bad like a phoenix from the ashes. But I must say, it better be damn good, or I'll feel cheated on the cosmic scale.

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