Now More Happier.


This post

I was thinking about adding to my recent line of whiney, emo posts...but really, it's just not worth the feeling anymore. Intellectually, I'd love to move on. I'll wait for the hormones to catch up, I guess.


Bred for speed.

I heard somewhere that you can tell which racing dogs are the good ones by watching them when they're walked around the ring. The ones that are pulling at their leashes are the good ones. I get that feeling in my car sometimes, when I'm stuck behind some jackass doing 45 in a 55, when I want to be going 65. Lately I've been feeling this in school, and at the internship, and just sitting around at home. Like there's something that I'd like to reach, but I'm being held back.

Lately a bit of a slump has developed in my Graphic Design pursuits...I'm unsatisfied with my work, and even though I've got a visual, I can't quite reach it. I end up trying a dozen different little tricks, and even though they sort of work, they're not good enough. I get frustrated and retreat back into trying to learn CSS, a goal I'd like to reach by mid-December.

I'm pretty sure the two are related, but it's anyone's guess as to how.



This room is hot. It's almost 10, and I really don't feel like going to sleep. I figure I'll just sort of stream of consciousness for a little bit. Because, you know, I'm all about the self exploration. It's one of the purposes of this whole thing, and not necessarily just this blog. I'm probably feeling a little extra deep because one of my favorite teachers gave me this book to read, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert M. Pirsig. It's kind of a confusing read, involving the narrator and his kid, and early on two friends, travelling cross-country via motorcycle. Interspersed with the daily business of this are his thoughts, written down as a Chautauqua, a travelling tale. It's kind of odd, picturing this mentally, but I've realized that when I'm driving around in a car and just thinking, it's kind of the same thing. The difference is mainly that I talk to myself rather than an audience (most of the time). It's kind of an odd story, as there's a character whose relation to the narrator is odd, but whose existence is integral to the Chautauqua. Anyway, it just recently got interesting. The subject is Quality, which is kind of like truth but very definitely not. It's immeasurable but it exists, but classifying it is not possible. The entire purpose of this paragraph was to help explain this post. I hope it worked, but probably I just wasted your time.

I try to think about what to write. My mind shuts down. This is pretty common. I'd like to stop thinking about what to write, but then that would be violating stream of consciousness, so I'll just keep going. I shouldn't be sitting down, sweating in this room. When I look at the brick walls, I can only think of an oven. I'm sure that when the lights go out, my impression will be more of a cave. Gollum gollum gollum.

I know way too many pointless facts. I guess I just sort of retain interesting things, while information that I'd really like to keep (I'm looking at you, C++ and CSS), just sort of slips around. I also know lots of pointless words. Tintinnabulation is probably the coolest so far.

I sometimes wonder if this path that I'm pursuing is the right one for me. Comp sci major, professional office drone, one day having a (trophy) wife, 2 cars, 2.5 children, and a white picket fence. The American Dream. But I just don't deal well with numbers, sometimes. I'm good at math, and if you give me long enough with a problem and I know the theory around it, I'll get it solved. But...I suppose I wish I was more intuitive with these long strings of equations. Take a glance at my SAT scores and you might see what I mean...730 reading, 580 math. It's kind of obvious where my strength lies. And I'm a fairly visual person. Usually I solve math problems so quickly because I'm visualizing and working them out in my head. This, I think, is where my Graphic Design talent lies - visualizing. After that, it's just making the software work for you. That's what lots of people, I think, don't understand. They try to do it the other way, asking themselves "What can I make the software do?" and then working from there. That's a paradigm that needs shifting but I suppose is hard to get out of.

I still really don't feel like going to bed. It's something that I've elaborated on here before, I really don't like to sleep. It's like giving away my life, and I really do enjoy this whole 'living' thing. Most of the time.

I'm ending this post before I shoot myself in the foot somehow.


Notes to self.

Most of the stuff I write here is aimed at, well, you. This isn't.

Get new shoes for tennis.
Get racquet restrung.
Find some colleges to apply to.
Apply to these colleges.

Getting holes in your socks because the sole from the shoe is completely gone, Mr. Daniel, is ridiculous. And I'm pretty sure Trevor wants to play tennis some time soon, and anyway you should be practicing with the racquet you'll be using. And I know I want to go to Virginia Tech, so fill out the application you lazy bum. And find a better safety college than ECPI.



I think that what I need, more than almost anything else in the world, is a female friend who is nice to talk to and...hmm...I suppose discreet would be the right word. Because right now, (a) girl(s) fucking confuse me, and I sort of want to get it off my chest, but this is not the right place for that.

And I have no place for that, except to myself, and I already think about these things too much. Normally I'm a fairly linear thinker, a -> b -> c -> d, but with certain subjects it's more like a -> c -> f -> a, ad nauseum. I suppose eventually I'll come to some sort of conclusion, but I also suppose it will be an empty success.



Today, I had 3 full-sized Thanksgiving dinners and associated deserts. I should probably go running or play tennis tonight, and indeed I might if I feel up to it in an hour or two, when everything's had a chance to settle down. I'm basically a samurai, now.

And, if anyone was wondering, I've now seen my brother and sister-in-law, and they are just as cool as ever.



Tomorrow is a) the last day of school until next Monday and b) the day I get to see my brother and sister-in-law. Now, the first one is cool just on general principle, but it pales in comparison to the second. They are both cool, and now I get to see them, and I think this Thanksgiving will be a bit happier than last year.

Oh, and I got SAT scores back today.
730 reading
580 math
650 writing

which comes out to a 1960 in the current scale, or about a 1310 on the old scale. The sad thing is that I retook them in the hopes of bringing my math score up from a 580 to a 600 - the difference of a few questions answered correctly - and it stayed the same. The parts I didn't worry about, reading and writing, improved. My scores when I took it in June, for reference, were 690, 580, 610. I hope I can still get into a decent Comp Sci program.


Empty weekends.

I really don't like these weekends where all I have to do is sit around and read and play computer games and wish I were out doing something. I'm not used to having long periods of time to myself anymore, with school and an internship and trying to hit a tennis ball for atleast an hour as often as I can manage - basically, I feel like I should be going to bed and it's only a couple of hours after noon.

I'd rather be partying.



This flower on my hand makes me look hard.


Ugh, busy day.

Normally my days are a little rushed, but today was flat out busy. School is pretty much a blur until 8th block, which I spent partially in school, putting up torn-out magazine pages and partially driving through Petersburg on a quest for cardboard. You see, I'm firmly entrenched in a project for 2D design which requires a massive amount of cardboard. I got a whole lot (26 boxes and 16 sheets that are about 10-12 feet long and a few feet wide) for a very little (free). I think everyone in the class - all 4 of us - will be meeting on Saturday to do a lot of work on it, which I guess could be fun. And, if we get a chance to do it right, it should look pretty cool.

After school, I helped Trevor finish up his gallery space. We got a lot more done than it looks like, but it's definitely a cool little room. And right now, my hands look like artist hands, which makes me feel very pretentious. I don't want to go into too much detail, but anyone who reads this should check out the ARGS room at PRAC at FftA. ASAP.

Family, you all should stop reading here unless you're up to don't want to learn things like this from, of all places, my blog.

When I got home, I spent a few minutes bullshitting with my mom...just the normal 'How was your day?' 'It was alright...just busy. Yours?' 'Oh, it was alright.' Except then she told me she's engaged now. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it, but I think I'm enough over the divorce that it's ok. Jesse is a good guy, and this makes both of them happier and definitely doesn't negatively effect it's all good in my book.

I also heard that my aunt had a brain aneurism. I don't know too much, but hopefully she'll be ok...she got operated on and the excess fluid in her brain was removed, then she was flown to the hospital in Pittsburgh (she lives about 1-2 hours away by car). From what I'm told, she has eaten and drank since then, which means she's atleast not a vegetable. I'm hopeful right now that she'll be back to normal eventually - she's really a cool lady, so this really sucks. I guess it hasn't hit me yet, it'll probably happen some time tomorrow when I've had a little bit of quiet time. Still...I feel for my uncle and cousins.

I'm really glad teachers don't bother to give homework anymore, or I'd never get anything worthwhile done.

edit: On a completely different note, I need to get my tennis racquet's been far too long since I've played against someone else.


SATs (take 2)

I swear that they made the math harder than last time I took this test. Reading/Writing seemed easier though. I didn't finish the essay, but that shouldn't make much of a difference. Honestly, I don't really care about my reading/writing scores...I need my math to be at or above 600 so that I have a chance of getting into V. Tech's School of Engineering. I got a 580 last time without studying...this time I read over a booklet, but the actual questions seemed harder. Maybe I've lost my grip on the math stuff just because I haven't done too much in awhile. Still, I think I did alright.
The most notworthy thing that happened, I'd say, is that I got a free Red Bull from a vending machine. I put $2 in and pressed A1 to get the drink. As I bend over to pick it up, I hear a musical plinking that resonates with my soul. I wonder, for the briefest of moments, what it could be. Then I reach inside the coin return slot to find 8 quarters...the full price of the drink. For lo, the Lord is peculiar in his mercy and his love overfloweth into our lives.

On another note, 2006 is the last cool class at ARGS. 07 has a couple cool kids, but you can only tell that they're cool because they hang out with us. 08 and 09 aren't even on the radar.


The image

Sometimes, I've realized, I do things just because if they were painted, it would be a cool looking painting. Tonight, for example, after I was done playing tennis (at 9 in the evening, alone), I walked over to the bleachers, laid down, and made a phone call. The sky was shades of purple, the stars were out, Mars was floating around in the sky - a dot brighter than the others - and the tree above the bleachers was caught in that weird and fleeting period between Spring's green and Autumn's orange.

The only real downside was that I didn't have my coat with me, and so the bleachers were mighty cold. Other than that, though, it was a perfect scene.