Now More Happier.

10.25.2005

Stillborn.

A serious post, hooray. This one harkens back to the days before I became a two-bit hack writing about not liking to sleep. It's sort of because of this that it's so long, if I'm making a good post, I might as well make it a very good post, right? I began writing this at work, mostly because I didn't want to forget what I want to say and I wouldn't be getting home until late today because I was meeting with my art director. Anyway...

The relationship that might have been now never will be...or atleast doesn't seem like it will be. This makes me a sad Daniel, not really because of time or money that I've invested (both of which are on the low end...like practically nothing), but just because of the amazing potential that was there. It could've been beautiful. I'm not really feeling down because of a lost relationship, but because of lost potential...I'm a big fan of potential, and every time it's lost - in the crack addict on the street, in the kid that never applies themself in school, whenever - it makes me sad. This time, however, the effect is especially pronounced because I'm directly effected. Not to mention...how often is it that an interesting, beautiful girl is interested in me? Heck, how often is it that a girl I have any interest in is interested in me? Less often than I'd like, certainly.

And...I don't know. We're friends, which is ok...but which is looking like a bottomless pit I'm never going to be able to get out of. If you've never looked up ladder theory, do so (it's really easy, just go to google, type in "ladder theory" and hit I'm Feeling Lucky). That's how I feel. And that makes me sad, because this whole friendship thing would be a lot easier to take if there was hope on the horizon...but as it is, there is no horizon. Because I'm plunging deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit, and there's no horizon in a pit. Alas, she doesn't see that as a loss...perhaps I'm just not capable of explaining myself. I don't usually reference the ladder theory aloud, mostly because I assume I'm the only one around me that's really cynical enough to know about it and recognize the truth in it.

I'd say that right now, my greatest fear is that the friendship doesn't work out - either because things are too awkward or I just can't handle thinking about what I could be doing (as guyish as that is) or whatever. It's sad to meet someone, become suddenly close, then farther apart...to have it just become...nothing would be sad. Like a beautiful statue given up to decay or something of that nature.

Today, before I left school, I saw her. Sort of by chance, but I wasn't just hanging around purposelessly. That's how I operate. I made sure to tell her that I had no hard feelings - this is, really, completely true. I'm not angry, other than in a very vague, undirected, general sense; that would just be dumb. Sad, of course...not angry, though. Just regretful, I suppose. I try to look at the silver lining in most situations, in this one I'm just glad that it ended now than later, when it would be worse...either something long and involved with a poor ending or one-sided. Neither's something I wish to be involved in.

And so there you have it; my best post in a long time about the relatively happy (on a non-relative scale, I'd call it a bit less cool than neutral) ending of a 4 day long period of 'dating'. Teenage life is glorious. I'm glad that the powers that be have decided it just wouldn't be fitting for me to be happy with another non-crazy person that doesn't live 100 miles away for more than half a week. Because then I wouldn't have anything to write a nice long post about.

Le sigh.


edit: If you caught this post earlier and it looked different, it's because I decided to edit it after work, when I can give it my undivided attention...it's worth doing, it might as well be done right.

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