Now More Happier.

10.31.2004

Real post. No Title.

So, I feel obliged to make a real post. I'm sure people are wondering how I'm doing and what's going on and such. Nothing much has changed in the past week. I'm doing better than I was on the 18th, but worse than I was on the 17th. I do, however, think I'm doing better than many people think. This is probably because the idea of suicide did not enter my mind until I heard my mom say it when she was calling 911. Perhaps I subconcsiously did not want to believe it was suicide and thus did my very best to not think about it. My biggest thought was that it was vomit, as is written down the page. It's all very true, reading it is really weird. I lived it, but it really has the feeling of a bad, surreal dream. Except then I realize that I am definitely living with my mom now and, unfortunately, this is not a dream.

I've noticed that since I started writing in the blog regularly, I'd start thinking of things to write. Just as they happened, I'd think of something to say that was poignant or witty or appropriate. This happens all the time now. For example, the post on the 18th, the last line before the update, totally premeditated. The post before that, #12, I thought about that bit for a minute or two before I decided to write about it. The post on the 13th, (which, btw is kind of weird to read now. I can't help but thinking, "Didn't see that one coming.") that whole story from the beginning played out in my head during English class countless times. Anyway, this is continuing to happen. Except I have nowhere to write it, without the internet. So I resort to writing it in my English journals. I've only done two, and I sort of feel sorry for the woman. Here she is, reading about the national news and stuff (that was the topic,) and I'm just like "I don't get the national news or a newspaper. So I'm going to write about me." and then I write about how I don't like living at my mom's house right now. Or she assigns "Right about an auto-biographical moment." And I write about how my dad tried to kill himself about 2 hours ago. She usually leaves comments like "Good, expound upon this." "Good point." "Short but sweet, could have written more." and the last comment she wrote was "Do you need to talk?"

And it's weird, because I do. But I'm writing about it, and getting it off my chest, and I know that someone is going to read it. I don't really require a running conversation, I just need to get it off of my chest and be heard. And this accomplishes that, and to a lesser extent the journals for English accomplish that. As I reflect, I believe that without either of them, I'd be doing a lot worse.

I still find myself referring to this house as either my dad's house (when I'm talking to other people) or home (when I am talking with myself). It's really weird referring to it as dad's house. I have lived here for the better part of 15 years. It may be his house, but it is my home. My mom's house (which is how I think of it and refer to it) will not be my home until a few things happen.
  1. My own room w/bed
  2. Something to do besides Xbox, reading, watching the same DVDs over and over.
  3. No more Ashley. Seriously, nobody reading this knows how ugly and annoying this girl is. Nobody in this house likes her.
This house would be wonderful once my room gets built, except that I'll still need to go in there and use the bathroom. And it's a gross bathroom, too. Seriously, if nobody's sleeping in there, I will use my mom's instead. There are dirty clothes and tampon wrappers strewn about haphazardly. I wonder why I still keep my tooth brush in there, because every time I walk in I wonder if it will be on the counter or somewhere else. And another thing, the showers are fucking weird. It's like a knob for cold water and a knob for hot water, but the hot water is either super super hot or not really on. I've found the only way to have a decent shower is to turn the cold water all the way on and do about 1/8th of a turn of the hot water knob. It is just small annoyances like this that make living in this house something I don't want to do for a very long time. I'm definitely getting into a college with dorms. Or atleast one far enough away I can justify living there.

Spending the weekend at home is weird in a way as well. Apparently my grandparents bought plastic cups and plates for when my dad gets home so he doesn't have to do the dishes. Or maybe for me, so I don't have to do the dishwasher or leave dirty dishes laying around. I don't really know. It's still odd to be eating from plastic plates in your own home. I've also been coughing alot. It's even worse now than when the cat was around. I only hope that eventually it will stop, because right now it feels like I will be coughing up a lung soon.


I felt obligated to post, but I kept going for me, because it really does help. So to everyone that reads, has commented, and/or has offered me help: Thank you. Even if we haven't talked, you simply reading this and letting me know that you're reading this has helped.

5 Comments:

Blogger Daniel said...

Also it sucks only being able to check for comments on saturdays and sundays.

7:50 PM

 
Blogger Joshua said...

I'm glad you're finding some form of catharsis for all of the nonsense going on. I know what you mean about dad's house, since I don't have too many memories of the previous house, I basically grew up there and it's so very strange to think of it as just some house with stuff in it and it not really being the house I grew up in anymore.

As for that cough, get some medicine. I've been sick the past few days and I'm almost done with a bottle of DayQuil. It's that time of year I guess.

10:43 AM

 
Blogger Princess Sara said...

Hey bro, I'm glad you got that all out... there have been a whole lot of crappy things happening for you in the past couple of years and I'm sorry about that.

I love you and think about you all the time. You can always call Josh or me; call collect if you need to, it's no big deal. If you don't want to talk about this stuff, you can still call just to talk to someone about anything on your mind and that's cool too.

I would like to suggest St. Louis as a possible destination for college. ;)

8:54 PM

 
Blogger Trevor said...

Daniel, I will also always be here for you. If you evern need to stay at my place or anything, you are welcome to join.One good thing is that we live closer now, and kevin night have some more LAN party tests since the SAT's are coming up. IT will be fun. And dont forget about November 9th.

Mr Bartlett once told me that F's are better than C's ( in art classes) b/c F's show that you are a rebel, or that something wrong happened. C's = average. Daniel, in english class, the fact that you write about thtat is awesome. It shows your talent as a writer and artist. You are becoming to find that you are awesome at a lot of things.

Also, your blog has ALWAYS been the only blog that interested me. I barly read mine. ;)

Ill e-mail this to you also, so that you can read it at school.

-Trevor.

10:57 PM

 
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3:28 PM

 

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