Now More Happier.

10.31.2004

Real post. No Title.

So, I feel obliged to make a real post. I'm sure people are wondering how I'm doing and what's going on and such. Nothing much has changed in the past week. I'm doing better than I was on the 18th, but worse than I was on the 17th. I do, however, think I'm doing better than many people think. This is probably because the idea of suicide did not enter my mind until I heard my mom say it when she was calling 911. Perhaps I subconcsiously did not want to believe it was suicide and thus did my very best to not think about it. My biggest thought was that it was vomit, as is written down the page. It's all very true, reading it is really weird. I lived it, but it really has the feeling of a bad, surreal dream. Except then I realize that I am definitely living with my mom now and, unfortunately, this is not a dream.

I've noticed that since I started writing in the blog regularly, I'd start thinking of things to write. Just as they happened, I'd think of something to say that was poignant or witty or appropriate. This happens all the time now. For example, the post on the 18th, the last line before the update, totally premeditated. The post before that, #12, I thought about that bit for a minute or two before I decided to write about it. The post on the 13th, (which, btw is kind of weird to read now. I can't help but thinking, "Didn't see that one coming.") that whole story from the beginning played out in my head during English class countless times. Anyway, this is continuing to happen. Except I have nowhere to write it, without the internet. So I resort to writing it in my English journals. I've only done two, and I sort of feel sorry for the woman. Here she is, reading about the national news and stuff (that was the topic,) and I'm just like "I don't get the national news or a newspaper. So I'm going to write about me." and then I write about how I don't like living at my mom's house right now. Or she assigns "Right about an auto-biographical moment." And I write about how my dad tried to kill himself about 2 hours ago. She usually leaves comments like "Good, expound upon this." "Good point." "Short but sweet, could have written more." and the last comment she wrote was "Do you need to talk?"

And it's weird, because I do. But I'm writing about it, and getting it off my chest, and I know that someone is going to read it. I don't really require a running conversation, I just need to get it off of my chest and be heard. And this accomplishes that, and to a lesser extent the journals for English accomplish that. As I reflect, I believe that without either of them, I'd be doing a lot worse.

I still find myself referring to this house as either my dad's house (when I'm talking to other people) or home (when I am talking with myself). It's really weird referring to it as dad's house. I have lived here for the better part of 15 years. It may be his house, but it is my home. My mom's house (which is how I think of it and refer to it) will not be my home until a few things happen.
  1. My own room w/bed
  2. Something to do besides Xbox, reading, watching the same DVDs over and over.
  3. No more Ashley. Seriously, nobody reading this knows how ugly and annoying this girl is. Nobody in this house likes her.
This house would be wonderful once my room gets built, except that I'll still need to go in there and use the bathroom. And it's a gross bathroom, too. Seriously, if nobody's sleeping in there, I will use my mom's instead. There are dirty clothes and tampon wrappers strewn about haphazardly. I wonder why I still keep my tooth brush in there, because every time I walk in I wonder if it will be on the counter or somewhere else. And another thing, the showers are fucking weird. It's like a knob for cold water and a knob for hot water, but the hot water is either super super hot or not really on. I've found the only way to have a decent shower is to turn the cold water all the way on and do about 1/8th of a turn of the hot water knob. It is just small annoyances like this that make living in this house something I don't want to do for a very long time. I'm definitely getting into a college with dorms. Or atleast one far enough away I can justify living there.

Spending the weekend at home is weird in a way as well. Apparently my grandparents bought plastic cups and plates for when my dad gets home so he doesn't have to do the dishes. Or maybe for me, so I don't have to do the dishwasher or leave dirty dishes laying around. I don't really know. It's still odd to be eating from plastic plates in your own home. I've also been coughing alot. It's even worse now than when the cat was around. I only hope that eventually it will stop, because right now it feels like I will be coughing up a lung soon.


I felt obligated to post, but I kept going for me, because it really does help. So to everyone that reads, has commented, and/or has offered me help: Thank you. Even if we haven't talked, you simply reading this and letting me know that you're reading this has helped.

10.30.2004

I wish I had a camera.

I dressed up as a wigger for a halloween party I went to recently. It was extremely funny. And (most of) you all missed it. :(4u

10.23.2004

Almost forgot.

I was shopping with Sara at Target the other night, more as an excuse to get out of the house than anything else. Anyway, she was looking for clothes, which happen to be near the women's underwear section. As I looked up at the coppery, scantily clad vixens, I thought "Wow, this is the closest thing to porn I've seen all week."

Update v.102304647pm

So, I'm staying at my mom's house. This is not an ideal situation, though for the moment it is tolerable. There's a room being built for me in the sun room, which will be an actual room. I'm not really sure on the size, but it will have it's own AC/heater and be a place where I can just be like 'You're all dumb, I'm going to my room now.' and then stay in my room for quite some time. There will be a computer in there, which will be cool. I'm still looking around for non-dial up connections. The closest I've come so far is 'accelerated' dial up from Earthlink. I guess it's better than 56k, but not by much.

Now, to the neighborhood. It's right beside a major highway. Even though there are giant concrete walls seperating the road from the neighborhood, the sound of cars is a constant, and though the exhaust is not enough to smell, you can feel it clogging your lungs as you walk outside. The area is pretty desolate. Cheap housing, probably made for those who work at Fort Lee but don't want to or can't live on base. The area seems to be a breeding ground for white trash, though perhaps that is just because of the people my sister hangs out with.

The people.
Most of them are, at the very least, tolerable. Here's a quick run down.
Mominator - She's changed a lot in the 3 years she's been seperated from my dad. Despite this, she's still really cool. I have to wonder at her decision to let so many people stay in this house, though.
Madi - Future white trash. Smokes (probably cigarettes and pot), probably drinks, has a tattoo and multiple piercings. Came pretty close to failing 7th grade, due to skipping school.
Jessie - Mom's boyfriend. He, unlike the last one, I wouldn't mind hanging out with or talking to. Or, now that I think about it, making eye contact with.
Chris - He seems alright. He's pretty laid back, so we get along fairly well.
April - I don't talk to her much because she's usually working/sleeping, but she's pretty cool.
Ashley - Dumb, annoying, ugly, slutty. I wish my sister had better character judgement, because the house would be 50 times less annoying if this moron wasn't there.
And then there's me. Since you're reading my blog, I shouldn't have to say anything about myself.

So, how am I doing? Well, I've been better and I've been worse. My dad's in a 30 day program, I forget the name of the place. However, he said it was good and he thinks he's going to get the help he needs there. Everyone who is there wants to be, even though the beds are stinky and the food sucks. I haven't eaten in about 32 hours, though I'm not feeling very hungry. I haven't been getting enough sleep at all. My sides hurt from coughing, because there's a cat in the house and I am super allergic to them. I'm staying at home tonight, because that damn cat makes weekend mornings suck. Josh and Sara are taking it home because they're awesome, so hopefully that won't be a problem for long.

As a sort of PS, if you've read this recently and wondered why I haven't told you about my dad, it's because I don't know how people react to that kind of thing.
Person: Hey
Me: Hey
Person: So, how's it going?
Me: Well, my dad tried to kill himself Sunday night and is only alive because I missed the bus.
Person: ...

10.19.2004

Update.

I'm writing this from school, something I am hesitant to do. Unfortunately I don't know when I'll be able to use a computer next, so it's easier just to do it now rather than leave you all hanging.

In short:
Dad is at the hospital.
I'm staying at my mom's house. No internet, cable TV.
Never in my life have I craved normalcy more than now.

10.18.2004

Why I am not at school today.

Today I am staying home. I missed the bus and woke up about an hour and 15 minutes later than I'd like to. I got dressed, did my hair, brushed my teeth, and went to wake my dad up. Didn't work, but he was still snoring so I figured he was all right. I put on my boots downstairs and went back up to try it. I swear, his subconscious was trying to piss me off. I'd knock on his door and say, "Dad" and he'd stop snoring for a minute, maybe rub his face, and then resume snoring. It was during one of these bouts of turning over that I noticed a giant fucking puddle of blood on his sheets. Perhaps I'm exagerating, but to give you an idea of the size and place, I honestly thought it was some fucked up vomit. It was all over his blanket and back too.

He was still going to drive me to school.

But he couldn't 'get moving.' At this point, hundreds or thousands of thoughts are running through my head, "Should I call 911?" "WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK" "It figures something bad would happen about now, when everything else is going so well."

I feel like crying. I feel like throwing up. Perhaps the most fucked up, I don't feel I have enough information yet to do either.

Ok, here's an update. He's upstairs washing off, it was actually a big cut on his forearm. I'm not really sure how he got it, he thinks by scratching or something. The blood's bad, but it's not as bad as I thought it was. My worst fears are allayed. I'll update in the actual if and when something happens.

10.16.2004

Theme song.

I have decided that I am in desperate need a theme song.

Developing...

10.15.2004

I hate you, Visual Studio .NET 2003.

I bought this program last weekend using a program my school's signed up for. $300 software for #20, including S&H. Yeah, I'm all up on that. However, this $20 may well go to waste.

This is the exact order of events that has happened no less than 10 times.

  1. Insert prerequisites disk.
  2. Get prompted to insert disk 1.
  3. Insert Disk 1.
  4. Get told this is the wrong disk.
  5. Try again.
  6. #4
  7. Check again to be positive it is disk 1.
  8. Get blinded by reflection of light on CD.
  9. Admire the excellent mirror these things will make if they don't work.
  10. Reinsert Disk 1.
  11. #1-7
  12. Suppress rage.

(Warning: Links below may be not safe for work, though this is based on content. No naughty pictures.)
Also, I told my history teacher about Tucker Max today. Given the most recent story and gems like this, this, and this (and all of these just recently released) I'm wondering just what I might've gotten myself into.

10.13.2004

Like a joke.

My life is like a joke. Before you think to yourself, "STFU, you angsty mofo," supposing you already haven't, just read on. Occasionally, when someone tells you a joke, you know the ending somewhere around the middle. Here's an example. Sometime last year (I think, it might've been 2 years ago,) a teacher, I want to call him my art teacher even though I only had him once, in graphic design, and he didn't teach much, told me and a few others a joke he attributed to someone else(I want to say Andy Warhol, but that's probably wrong.) It went something like: One day, my grandpa gave me a bullet, which I keep in my shirt pocket all the time. At this time you don't really know what's going to happen. So one day, I was walking down the street and I saw one of those street preacher types. The thought forms itself, though only as an idea. He had a bible with him, and suddenly he pointed at me and yelled something. You know what's going to happen. Or should. He threw the bible right at me, it hit me in the heart. Come on, you know the ending. I couldn't help thinking to myself, "If that bullet weren't there, that bible would've hit me right in the heart." And there was much rejoicing.

That's what I feel my life is like. I don't mean my entire life, because as awesome as I am, even I couldn't see that far ahead. I know that I'm in probably the most important year of high school, the last one before I apply to colleges and go through the emotional rollercoaster that is acceptance and rejection in those hallowed halls of learning. At this point, I'm almost positive my major will be Computer Sciences. Possibly with a minor in Electrical Engineering. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. In some ways, it's what I love. That, however, is another post entirely. I can see myself going to some college or another, probably whichever one gives me the best deal. After this I see a few things possible.

Grad school, maybe. If I have the passion and drive, and something interests me. Probably not.
Starting my own business, maybe. I'm not exactly sure what that would entail, or even what I would do.
Office drone, most likely. Atleast for awhile. I'm ambitious enough that I might be able to work my way up, live the American dream and die moderately wealthy, my soul sucked out of me by MegaCorp.

But until then, I am full of plans for the future. We took the PSATs (pre-SATs) today. I was completely unprepared, but the test itself was easy. Fairly basic math and fairly easy English. If the SATs are anything like this, I will have no problems at all. Perhaps my (hopefully) good performance on these is why I've got the feeling that something, something is around the corner. Actually...

I've had this feeling for days. It seems, even though it's October, that school is about to end. Or atleast get out for awhile. Or that I'll find myself in a relationship (which would, quite honestly, kick ass.) Or that...well, I'm not really sure. But whatever it is, it's going to happen. Hopefully it'll be good. Or atleast not horrible. I'd settle for decent.

10.12.2004

A couple things.

#1 - Breakfast is much, much better when it is for dinner. I wish I had time to eat like this in the morning.

#2 - I was talking to this girl at the end of the day, in Team Design. Usually when I talk to people, I look at the bridge of their nose, their chin, maybe their shoes, maybe their ears, quite possibly the air beside their head. Anyway we were talking, and I decided to look at her eyes. They were nice, a light blue/green hazelish color with darker spots, it's kind of hard to describe even though I can remember them perfectly.

10.08.2004

Milestone.

So at the end of the month, I should be going to my first non-birthday party in high school. It's for Halloween, it should be pretty cool. The current plan is for me and a few friends to drive home from school to my house, play Halo for awhile, then head to the party where we'll spend the night. I'm not really sure what we're going to be doing at the party, but whatever. Halo.

Any suggestions for what I should dress up as? The current plan is to buy/borrow a sweater vest and maybe a non-black shirt and wear that, and comb the hair to the side or down the middle instead of spiking it up. Getting "out of the uniform," as Danielle so wonderfully put it this morning.

10.07.2004

Why my school is awesome.

Today, in German, I had a conversation about goatse with some people who I could see.

10.04.2004

Yay centrism.

It's funny because I've been placed by my peers on the extreme right a few times.

You are a Social Moderate (43% permissive)
and an Economic Moderate (55% permissive)
You are best described as a: Centrist
You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (-25, 18)
modscore: (33, 26)



10.01.2004

I'm so funny.

So today there was a college fair with some colleges from around Virginia attending. I went mostly to get out of class, but as a side result of my existance, hilarity was created. One of the schools there was Liberty University. As I was finishing filling out some form for (I think) Longwood, a few friends decided it would be a good idea to ask if they considered themselves a party school. I, not knowing that the folks at Liberty would have loved the Third Reich, decided it would be a good idea to ask. So I did. I have never heard a quicker answer of 'No' given.

This is how it would have looked if life were an AIM conversation.
Me (2:29:41): So would you uh, say that Liberty's a party school?
LUDrone6969 (2:29:42): No.
* Me has disconnected.

I also might be Hampton University's token white guy. Boy would that be funny.